The secret lies not in process changes, organizational revamp, or lowering costs to increase profits; rather, the secret involves changing one thing—the way we communicate when stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.

At some point during our work day, people will feel frustrated, concerned, upset, or discouraged. Why? Because they disagree with others, they don’t support the ideas of their colleagues, or they possess different views from the vocal majority. And yet, almost none of these employees share their opinions in a way that gets results.

They either clam up because they figure it’s politically unwise to disagree, or they hold their differing opinions inside until they eventually blow a gasket. That is, they toggle from silence to violence. Neither method gets an idea out into the open where it can be made part of the collective view. Neither method helps improve working conditions or relationships. And neither method gets your organization results where it needs them most.

Here are some helpful tips for speaking your mind in a way that gets heard, produces real results, and unlocks your future success.

• Reverse your thinking. Most of us decide whether or not to speak up by considering the risk of doing so. Those who are best at crucial conversations don’t think first about the risks of speaking up. They think first about the risks of not speaking up. They realize if they don’t share their unique views, they will have to live with the poor decisions that will be made as a result of holding back their informed opinions.

• Change your emotions. The primary reason we do badly in crucial conversations is that by the time we open our mouths we’re irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person’s views and opinions. Then, no matter how much we try to fake it, our negative judgments creep into the conversation. So, before opening your mouth, open your mind. Try to separate people from the problem. Try to see others as reasonable, rational, and decent human beings. Hold a good thought and you will come across entirely differently. Remember—if you hold court in your head, the verdict will show on your face.

• Help others feel safe. Unskilled people believe that certain topics are destined to make other people defensive. Skilled folks realize people don’t become defensive until they feel unsafe. Try starting your next high-stakes conversation by assuring the other person of your positive intentions and your respect for them. When others feel respected and trust your motives, they let their guard down and begin to listen—even if the topic is unpleasant.

• Invite dialogue. After you create a safe environment, confidently share your views. Once you’ve done so, invite differing opinions. This means you actually encourage the other person to disagree with you. Those who are best at crucial conversations aren’t just out to make their point; they want to learn. If you are open to hearing others’ points of view, they’ll be more open to yours. And finally, if you can’t remember anything else in the heat of the moment, ask yourself: “Are we in silence or violence?” If so, do your best to return to healthy dialogue.

Al Switzler is the coauthor of the New York Times bestsellers Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. He is an acclaimed keynote speaker, consultant and cofounder of VitalSmarts, an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance. For more information visit Human Edge

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