What do you do if you’re at lunch with your boss and he or she makes a racist joke? Or one of your team members swears, even in front of clients, and ignores requests to stop?

Nowdays too, tensions in the workplace are often high with some employees battling with debt and the partners of many having been retrenched or on short work weeks, so stresses at home are high and that often filters into the workplace.

When we have a crucial conversation—a conversation where stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions run strong—our rational brain shuts down and more basic instincts take over. When these situations arise, we enter a vicious cycle where we either lash out or we retreat into silence.

We lash out because we’re so unskilled at holding crucial conversations. While research shows that the ability to hold crucial conversations is the key to influence, job effectiveness, and even marital success, most of us have little idea of how to do it.

We’ve developed our existing communication style by watching our parents, friends, and bosses.

When we decide to speak up, we typically use sarcasm, guilt trips, debate tactics, and other forms of verbal violence. Eventually we note that we’re in trouble for having said something and we pull back into silence, laughing politely, changing the subject or ignoring the situation all together.

Everyday, we analyse these conversational risks and make unnecessary trade-offs. The better way is to speak up in a way that gets you the results you really want. So if you’re reading this thinking, “Gee, thanks. If I knew how to do that, I’d already be doing it,” here are a few tips to help you get started:

• Reverse your thinking. Most of us decide whether or not to speak up by considering the risks of doing so. Those who are best at crucial conversations don’t think first about the risks of speaking up. They think first about the risks of not speaking up. They realise if they don’t share their views, they will have to live with the poor decisions that will be made as a result of holding back their opinions.
• Change your emotions. The primary reason we do badly in crucial conversations is that by the time we open our mouths, we’re irritated, angry, or disgusted with the other person’s views. Then, no matter how much we try to fake it, our negative judgments creep into the conversation. So, before opening your mouth, open your mind. Try to separate people from the problem. Try to see others as reasonable, rational, and decent human beings—even if they hold a view that you strongly oppose. Hold a good thought and you will come across entirely differently.
• Help others feel safe. Unskilled people believe that certain topics will make other people defensive. Skilled folks realize people don’t become defensive until they feel unsafe. Try starting your next high-stakes conversation by assuring the other person of your positive intentions and your respect for them. When others feel respected and trust your motives, they listen—even if the topic is unpleasant.
• Invite different views. After you create a safe environment, confidently share your views. Then invite differing opinions. This means you actually encourage the other person to disagree with you. Those who are best at crucial conversations aren’t just out to make their point; they want to learn. If your goal is just to dump on others, they’ll resist you. If you are open to hearing others’ points of view, they’ll be more open to yours. And finally, if you can’t remember anything else in the heat of the moment, ask yourself: “Are we in silence or violence?” If so, do your best to return to healthy dialogue.

When you strive to become a master of crucial conversations, you tip the odds dramatically in your favour.

Minimise the risk by mastering the skills and you’ll see your odds improve.

Helene Vermaak heads The Human Edge and runs Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations and Influencer workshops in South Africa. Kerry Patterson is one of the US-based authors of these international best sellers and Eric Patten is a senior consultant for VitalSmarts, the group created by the success of Crucial Conversations.

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